The Art of Selfless Love.

I used to think self care was chocolate strawberries.

Makes sense though if you think about it. Self care & self love sound like you are supposed to spoil yourself silly at all cost.

Chocolate cake, bubble baths, soaking up that beach sun, all sound absolutely magical don’t they?

But although this sounds so good the more years that pass the more I realize that self care and even self love really have nothing to do with this.

Although it’s good to spoil yourself from time to time and fill up that tub with essential oils the true test of self love comes into play in everyday life.

Can you love yourself enough to not destroy yourself with unhealthy habits when you’re struggling?

My late twenties have been very different than my early twenties in this respect. I used to think self care was reading a good book curled up in a comfy blanket, delicious treats, and indulging in what made me feel good.

I lived for that.

But after all those years of getting it wrong I look back in my late twenties understanding that true self care is rooted in responsibility not indulgence.

So what does this kind of self care look like?

It’s loving yourself enough to drink water throughout the day although you’d rather have that coke or delicious coffee.

It’s eating healthy despite what kind of day you’ve just had because you realize that scarfing down junk food will only hurt you and make you feel worse at the end of the day.

It’s going to bed early because you want to protect your health although partying till the wee hours of the night sounds inviting.

It’s cleaning your room and your house when your heart is broken even though you would much rather be binge watching Netflix.

It’s putting a load of laundry to wash every so often instead of letting it build up into Mount Everest and overwhelm you emotionally.

It’s working on not allowing yourself to give into eating disorders or reach out for help if you do have one.

It’s leaving behind friendships or even relationships that do not grow you.

It’s walking away from a job opportunity with more pay that doesn’t benefit you or your family in the long run.

It’s choosing to not self harm when things aren’t going your way or life isn’t panning out the way you thought it would.

It’s exercising daily even when you’re depressed so that you can have a fighting chance.

Self care is learning to love yourself so much that you choose responsibility over self destruction.

When no one is around will you put in the effort to care for yourself?

Honestly it’s a really hard task. As a child everyone watches out for you but as an adult you are left to care for yourself.

I used to watch my mom consistently cook, clean,and wash laundry even on her not so good days and wonder why she wouldn’t just relax.

As a young child I came to the conclusion that it was because she loved it. It was what fueled her. But now looking back as an adult I realize it was because of love.

The love she had for her family but ultimately the love and respect she had for herself and for God.

She was created to be a temple and she would not allow life with all its stresses to get in the way of her responsibility.

I’m so grateful to have had such an amazing example of what it is to be a woman of love.

I hope to one day be able to master a life of love in my everyday life over a life of pleasure.

To be the kind of woman where responsibility comes before my selfish pleasures.

Where I value myself enough to guard my mental and physical health from self destruction.

I might not get it right all the time but as I head into my thirties I realize this is definitely an art I need to master… the art of true selfless love in the midst of ordinary life.

May you choose to love yourself today instead of self destructing because you are special and regardless what you’re anxiety or depression are telling you…

You. Are. Loved.

When I Say I’m Busy… I actually mean…

I recently became a stay at home wife.

Yep, you heard that right not a stay at home mom, but a stay at home wife.

I’ve been working corporate jobs since age 17, up until a few months ago when I decided to focus on my photography business & online school.

Its been going great and I actually really love being a homemaker while my husband is out working for our income.

I enjoy filling up my day by working hard for our home, keeping things tidy, cooking, starting up old hobbies, and taking care of both my mental + physical health.

It’s been a huge blessing in my life recently although I never envisioned myself becoming a housewife, but for me it works and it’s something I’m really thriving at.

I love being here and watching my husband’s face light up when he sees me after a long day at work.

I enjoy seeing the satisfaction in his eyes when he bites into a nice home cooked meal after working long hours.

I also love when he sees everything I’ve done throughout the day and all the hobbies I’m working on and is inspired by them.

Hearing him say, “I really want to start that hobby with you on the weekends,” makes my heart happy to know we can inspire each other to live a more creative + fulfilled life.

The only thing I’ve encountered that can at times be negative is people’s perception of stay at home wives.

There tends to be more respect given to stay at home mothers than stay at home wives because how could someone with no children be busy throughout the day?

I’ve heard other women speak badly or make negative comments about housewives indicating that without children they are lazy and have no drive or ambition.

I never thought too much of it (although I always disagreed) until I became a housewife and started hearing passive aggressive comments geared towards me.

I’ve even had some friends and family members make comments like, “oh you’re tired? Just wait until you have kids.” Or my favorite one, ” you’re busy? I work, have hobbies, and deal with my children full time, I’m sure you could make time.”

Although I know a lot of the people in my life mean nothing bad towards me when they say this but it still touches a slight nerve with me.

Why? Because who said that life was a competition? When did my being tired become invalid because I’m a homemaker and not a mother or an office worker?

I’ve had plenty of jobs to know what it’s like to work until my brain wants to explode. I’ve also been a nanny to various children 10+ hours a day and understand how taking care of children can be taxing.

But what’s funny is even though I have no children or a corporate job, I still feel just as tired at the end of my day as when I did do all those things.

Why? Because being a homemaker IS A JOB.

When I’m up cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, organizing, dusting, tending to the yard, planting, doing groceries, editing for clients, marketing, strategizing, finishing assignments for school, being a wife, and so much more I feel dead tired at the end of my day.

I love being able to do my own schedule and work hard for my home but it’s a full time job EVEN THOUGH I HAVE NO CHILDREN.

I’m sure when the kids come into the picture I’ll have much more to do, but that doesn’t devalue or diminish the hard work that I put in right now.

There’s been times where I’ve said no to friends and family about going out or doing things they want to do because I realize I’m busy and they react so incredibly shocked.

How could a housewife be busy? That’s when they start comparing their work to mine, their tired to my tired, and their busy as opposed to my definition of busy.

But when I say, I’m sorry I can’t make it, I’m busy… I actually mean…

I don’t have time.

And when I mean I don’t have time, I actually, mean…

I don’t have time to do that because I would be compromising time with my husband which I don’t usually have since he’s gone all day.

I don’t have time because I’m working on my mental health.

I’m not going to fit that into my schedule because right now that doesn’t work for me.

I’m saying no because I’ve already said yes to a lot of things and have too much I’ve already committed to.

I can’t go out right now because I’m focusing on some me time since my entire day was working for my home and I’d like some time to just relax.

I can’t fit that into my schedule because I’m trying to take care of myself emotionally and physically and adding one more thing to my list is overwhelming.

Now, for the most part I will make time for friends, events, going out, and helping others, but there are times where I have to put boundaries for myself and my family.

Your boundaries might be different than mine, your busy might look different than mine, and the things you say yes to might differ from mine, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less important.

There might be different levels of busy and tired, but at the end of the day those words are just as valid for a career person or a mother as they are for a homemaker.

So the next time I say I’m busy what I actually mean is…

I’m choosing to not make time right now because that is my right, but I still love you immensely.

I’ll Press On.

I made it to the beach today.

Yesterday I made it to the stop sign down my street, and today I made it to the beach thirty minutes from my house.

I’m alone and for the first time in months that idea doesn’t absolutely terrify me.

Although Im not gonna lie, I was completely terrified before arriving. Part of me wanted to make excuses as to why I needed to stay indoors.

I needed to tidy up the room, finish washing clothes, fold the laundry, finish my school work, and start deciding what dinner was going to be…the list was endless really.

But in the middle of all my lists and reasons I knew exactly what I was doing; I was making excuses. I had been wanting to work on overcoming my anxiety especially after announcing to the world how I had taken it for a walk yesterday.

I had told everyone all the small victories I had made and it felt great. But today was a new day with a blank slate and I needed to press on, not for them but for me.

I needed to show myself today that healing although not linear is a daily commitment. Although some days I might feel more brave than others I needed to at least try to overcome as best I could.

Today I realized that taking a huge step like driving thirty minutes away in a state I’m not too familiar with will never come easy for someone like me.

I kept waiting for the day when I would be ready to make such a venture, but I came to the realization that I would never be ready to make that first step if I didn’t force myself to be ready.

Waiting to not be afraid wasn’t magically going to make my fears go away but facing them head on would.

I may never be the person to climb Mount Everest or bungee jump but I can be the person who shuts the door on her anxiety today.

And so I grabbed the keys and ran out the door to be the person I needed to be.

Now that I’m here it’s mesmerizing to be in the presence of something bigger than me and all of my fears combined.

As I look out into an endless horizon I see the sweetness of what it is to be alive. I am engulfed by the magic and splendor of its roar.

The ocean is unapologetically itself. It stands alone in all its majesty stopping for no one and competing with nothing. It constantly shows up and stands out regardless of the weather or if anyone arrives for its debut.

Staring out into the deep is the perfect way to lose yourself while at the same time recharging your weary soul. It’s a way to detox from the pressures and stress of societal life.

I was in the midst of strangers and yet I did not feel alone, because as I looked around me all I saw were stories that had never been told in the faces of people who were just like me.

It dawned on me that I knew nothing about these people but regardless of who they were in society, at the beach, we were all one in the same in the presence of the ocean.

As I dug my feet into the sand, breathed in the salty air, and observed the scenery around me, I felt absolute peace in knowing it was well with my soul.

I stood amazed and while I was left with no words a quote from a book I once read came to mind:

“Our Father in heaven is the source of life, of wisdom, and of joy. Look at the wonderful and beautiful things of nature. Think of their marvelous adaptation to the needs and happiness, not only of man, but of all living creatures. The sunshine and the rain, that gladden and refresh the earth, the hills and seas and plains, all speak to us of the Creator’s love. It is God who supplies the daily needs of all His creatures.” -Steps to Christ Pg. 1

I went to the beach today and the ocean gave me a sermon. It spoke to me of the Creator’s love and I sat still and listened in awe of all the stories it had to tell.

Just a few reflection snaps taken on my iPhone today at Newport Beach❤️

One Letter at a Time.

I’m afraid of death.

Wow. What a way to begin my first blogpost.

But hear me out.

I couldn’t choose to write a sunshine filled post because if this is going to be a lifestyle blog then I need to write about my life and my style.

But not the life I want to portray or the one I think others will want to accept but my actual one.

And right now my life is one that is filled with fear and my style is messy and full of panic attacks around every beautiful corner.

It’s full of days where walking to the stop sign down my long street seems impossible, and going to bed at night feels like a threat.

I feel as though lately I’ve been on survival mode trying to figure out how to keep myself breathing long enough to see another day.

But the hard truth that crushes me day in and day out is the reality of knowing I can’t keep myself breathing.

Going to bed at night feels like a threat because it takes faith in order to fall asleep. Something I do not have. It takes trust to be able to wind down and let go.

You have to have faith you will wake up again although you don’t know if you actually will. You have to trust that even if worst case scenario happens you will be okay.

But when I actually sit down to process why I’m afraid I realize it’s not so much about the pain of dying, but the realization of ceasing to exist.

It’s knowing that I can’t control when it will happen or how it will happen. It’s the fear of leaving this earth and sealing my fate before being done.

The fear of being forgotten, the fear of my loved ones moving on, the fear of not accepting God back into my life before the reckoning, and last but not least the fear of not ever seeing my grandmother Carmen again, may she Rest In Peace.

The reality of not being able to control any of these things at times is terrorizing. I can’t slow down time, I can’t protect my family from this curse, I can’t secure the life of my husband or protect his heart when I’m gone.

I can’t promise I’ll see my parents again before it’s my time, I can’t keep my heart beating, I can’t keep myself breathing, I can’t see into the future, I can’t go back into into the past.


I can choose to love my husband fiercely.

I can choose to call my parents and listen to their familiar voices as they tell me about their day.

I can choose to be forgiving and not allow grudges to steal my joy.

I can choose to force my anxious self to walk down to the stop sign that seems so very far away and take a moment to listen to the birds sing.

I can choose to breath in deep when it feels like there’s no more air left.

I can choose to go through life a little bit slower and appreciate the small moments in between.

I can choose to be content with what I’ve been given and stop looking to what I don’t have.

I can choose to focus on what I can control instead of dwelling on what I can’t.

I can choose to live a healthy life and take care of the body I have been given in hopes of having a little more time with the people I love.

I can choose to live a life of giving and fill up my bucket with kindness until it overflows.

I can choose to accept Jesus back into my life and give Him the worries I force myself to bear.

Regardless of all the things “I can’t” do there’s still so much “I can” do.

Hence the journey of finding all the things I can do starts today with this post.

Follow me as I share the messed up and blessed up parts of my walk. I invite you to be a part of this journey as I try to make sense of this thing we call life one letter at a time.


It’s the Little Things.

“Enjoy the little things in life for someday you will realize they were the b i g things.” -Kurt Vonnegut

The beautiful view from our Cabin balcony in Lake Arrowhead California three weekends ago. It’s these quiet yet magical moments of life that make me grateful to be alive.